I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
