my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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