I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Randomize
