She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
