If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
