come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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