Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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