guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
ttyl tear gas
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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