remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
