Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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