i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
