Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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