I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
You took a bar mat shot.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
