He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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