just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
