if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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