I think I won the penis lottery.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
