wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
