Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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