I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
