Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
