"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
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