I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
