I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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