I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Randomize
