I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
