She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
