I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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