dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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