You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Randomize
