Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
