And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
