Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
