I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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