he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
