apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
