3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
