I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
