If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Are my feet made of real feet?
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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