i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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