he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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