Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
