theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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