I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
