she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
