this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
