She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
