you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
