he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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