I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
