when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
