There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
im calling her cock vulture from now on
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
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