i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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