dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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