I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
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The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
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I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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