i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
