there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
