Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
