So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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