i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
