Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize