Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
did you just send me my own nude
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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