i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
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I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
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Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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